Two Shots of Happy, One Shot of Sad
Yesterday, I was just thinking how great a day I was having…and then I received an email that proved otherwise.
Back in July during the Essence Music Festival, I met a few people (including Angel, who I’d known online for years but never had the chance to meet face-to-face). Most were pretty cool, but few were those I’d be interested in keeping in contact with in the future.
One of those latter individuals is Peter. We’ve emailed each other a couple of times to stay up-to-date with our recent goings-on, so when I received his email yesterday with a subject that read “To Those Who Care”, I thought it was going to be big news about a project of his or something. Unfortunately, it was nothing of the sort.
He was informing us that his 25-year-old police officer nephew committed suicide yesterday morning.
I immediately responded that my condolences were with him and his family, but I couldn’t help but think back to a few years ago.
I’ve never told anyone this, but I thought about committing suicide.
I was a freshman in high school, and what seemed like the burden of aiming for perfection almost got the better of me. I had planned how I would do it, but I wasn’t quite sure when although I knew I didn’t want to leave a note whenever I did. How could I possibly explain to my friends and family that I had decided to give up on everything, including myself?
I didn’t think there was anyone I could talk to about this, so I didn’t. In retrospect, I guess I was afraid that they would think I was crazy. In a way, I probably was crazy. I imagined what they might say after I was gone: “He was so smart. He had so much promise. He left us too soon.” Now I know this is going to sound crazy, but it’s those thoughts that brought me back from the edge. I realized that they would be speaking about me in past tense, without even having the opportunity to see what could have been…what I could have been.
So I prayed.
And I asked God to deliver me from that state of mind. And He did, and every morning, I thank Him for allowing me to see another day.
I now realize how selfish and cowardly I once was. I know death is inevitable for us all and that can be scary, but I also know how great life can be. There are numerous outlets to help anyone considering suicide realize that they have a lot for which to live, although it may seem like nothing at all.
Fortunately, I am a living testimony to that.
Post Title Download: U2 – “Two Shots of Happy, One Shot of Sad” from If God Will Send His Angels
funkyblackchick said:
I live now b/c of a friend who committed suicide when I was 16. We shared the same dreams, goals, etc..etc…but at the time both of our households were in turmoil. I guess my coping mechanism was a lot stronger than hers. A day doesn’t go by when I don’t think about her. I live my life for the one she couldn’t sustain. I’ve accomplished enough goals for the both of us. She entered my life when we were both 6 and left when we were both 16, but she will always remain a part of me.
Sugarlips said:
I’m sure it took a lot from you to share this, and hopefully someone reading it will find hope within your words. There is nothing God will bring you to that he doesn’t think you can handle. I’m glad you saw this and persevered. I’m saddened to hear of your friend’s son’s passing, and especially by the subject line of his email. To think that someone would read the message and not care, is awful. I hope the family can find peace in such a terrible situation.
Maya said:
I love your post, and I commend you for sharing your story. I can identify 100% with the way you felt because I have been there as well. Sometimes situations can feel extremely overwhelming and quitting seems to be the easiest thing to do, but in the end it’s selfish and irrational. Suicide hurts so many people, and I would never want to hurt the people who love me that much. I feel it’s important to surround yourself with people who encourage, and motivate you. Life is what you make it, and I believe you should try to see the good in each negative situation you encounter. I try to cherish everyday and find new and exciting things to accomplish. I want to leave a positive mark on the world. God has blessed me with so many gifts, and talents. He has never turned his back on me so why should I give up and turn my back on him? Everyday is a constant struggle, but in the end you make the choice to either give up or push on. I choose to push on and strive for the top.
Thank you again for posting this.
Maya
a. said:
Thank you for sharing something so personal. I feel fortunate to know you (even if it’s only via the Internet).
brran1 said:
I’ve been there as well. What brought me out of it was realizing that I couldn’t take the easy way out as soon as I thought live was getting too hard. God never puts more on us than we can handle.
Glad you decided against it.
gladitsnight.com said:
Wow, what an eye opener. I think most people have thought about suicide on some level. In moments of despair it is difficult to see the end of the road.
Thanks for sharing your experience, and condolences to the young man.
Bre said:
Wow, what a touching post, I almost cried. I actually did attempt suicide twice when I was a child. Luckily, I was ignorant and am still here. The first time, I was watching something on t.v. for kids that said you shouldn’t drink any type of cleanser because it was poison and could kill you. I immediately locked myself in the bathroom and started drinking cleanser, but I only got very sick and kept throwing up. The second time, I took pills but not enough. I had an aunt who attempted suicide a few times and I remembered them saying how she overdosed on pills. At the time, I was taking tylenol 3s due to an injury I just had, so one day I took everything I had left in the bottle. I didn’t realize you needed multiple bottles, lol. I couldn’t have taken more than 6 or 7 and ended up just sleeping the entire day. Life can definitely be hard sometimes, especially when you’re young and don’t really understand the world or yourself. I thank God for the chance to live and overcome everything that happened to me. I’m a survivor, so are you, and so is anyone else who is still here. Dying is easy, it’s living that’s the hard part.
LEXXEL said:
I think sometimes God intentionally gives us too much to handle, trusting us with the burden, so that we realize we need to turn to Him because he is our source.
We need those tests. The make us stronger, and more appreciative.
Life gets hard – and we don’t know where to escape when we want to run from ourselves – so often suicide seems to be the only option. It isn’t. With God, it’s not necessarily easier, but it is possible, and I am glad that you shared your story, which encouraged many others to share their own and I am POSITIVE these testimonies will save a life someday.
Well done, to you and everyone who commented. Well done.
yes said:
I had a co-worker commit suicide. It was so sad. You never really know what is going on with people. I can’t imagine things becoming that unbearable. I’m sure a lot of ppl have thought that things would be better if they weren’t here as I have, but you gotta keep on pushin. When he died I just felt like I should have talked to him more and maybe he would have opened up. Maybe I could have said something to change his mind. At least he had a son to cary on his name.
» AWARENESS: YOUNG, BLACK MALES & SUICIDE // 'CONCRETELOOP.COM' - QUALITY NOT QUANTITY said:
[...] me, I know; I’m a living testimony. ( Sources: GLSEN, WSBTV, Palm Beach Post ) ( Photos: AP / FLICKR / GOOGLE [...]
Chastity S. Graham said:
I’m sorry to hear what took place w/your nephew, however God has a unimagible way of showing us the ends of time. We have to listen and share w/our young people what God would want us to do in unbearable situations. They need us as well as we needing each other. My prayers is w/the families that have to cope w/situations like this. To God be the Glory!
G.A said:
wouawww thank you for sharing this with us!
You’re inspiring sincerely
God bless u
Kisssssses from Paris France!!!!
Michael W. said:
We must erase the stigma attach to mental illness and depression…I was suicidal at different stage of my life…I never express those thought with anyone…It did not want to be label weak or crazy. So I keep my pain inside but it was slowly poison my life…I needed help…It is great if you want to take your problems to God but realize sometime, we must take our problem to the doctor. We go to the doctor when we have a cold, a broken limb…We must also go to the Doctor when dealing with severe mental ill issues.
Wanda Jackson said:
My son died by suicide Aug 26, 08. Suicide is not selfish or weak. It’s a clinical illness. Those who take their lives don’t want to die; they are trying to kill the pain. There’s a lot of stigma attached to suicide. Awareness is the key to saving lives. I am so happy you are still here to share your story; however, depression is an illness. They have other illness that has caused someone to take their life. We need to get awareness out, especially in the Black communities, because Blacks do take their own lives.
God bless