Will I Ever
A reader, Deva, commented last summer that while watching CNN’s Black in America, she wanted to hear my thoughts on finding a partner, adding, “You’re successful and black. Are you having trouble finding a mate?”
In a word, Deva, yes.
I’m a good guy, but I’m also a complicated man. That makes for an interesting combination when it comes to relationships. In fact, my longest one thus far (if you can even call it that) is just two weeks and three days.
I’ve always said that my professional goals and aspirations supersede my personal ones partly because of the intricacies that exist within my family: multiple divorces, extramarital affairs and children, etc. But also because I’m such an ambitious person, and I’m not willing to sacrifice my hopes and dreams for anyone.
Maybe I say that only because I’ve never been in love.
And I’m not about to settle for just anyone who comes along. I just wish I could find someone who could understand the type of person I am and appreciate that for what it is.
It would be so much easier if I were just looking for a good time, but that’s not who I am. I want to meet a girl, get to know her and one day start a family with her and live happily ever after. She needs to be strong, determined, driven and independent and have a caring and sincere nature about her. I’d be lying if I said looks didn’t matter, but I am well aware that beauty is vain and would greatly cherish a God-fearing woman.
I admit that I’m probably the reason my past “relationships” didn’t work. I’m picky, stubborn, and selfish at times, but I’d like to think I’m also a pretty decent guy. Apparently, Cat thinks so, too.
I always say everything happens for a reason, so maybe I’m not ready for love just yet. I have faith that when I am, it’ll find me.
Until then, though, what’s a man to do?
Post Title Download: Lyfe Jennings – “Will I Ever” from Lyfe Change
ATL09 said:
Firstly, I am a female. As a female, I can attest to the fact that there are many marriage minded and successful young women who are in the same boat as you. I live in Atlanta and know many black, single professional women who are “looking” for their future husband. I am quite a bit older than you (38) and have never been married.
This is my advice to you and to all who are looking…..STOP LOOKING. Continue to do things that you enjoy and are passionate about. Eventually, you will also meet others who share your passions and the things you enjoy. You can get to know that person better by doing those things together without the dumb and intimidating expectations that come with traditional dating, which is so fake, IMO.
Even though I am 38 and would love to have a great husband, I refuse to lower my expectations. Though my expectations might be viewed as high, I do not seek qualities and characteristics in a future mate that I do not possess. This is so important, I feel. Why do some people feel they can demand things, traits, qualities in people that they do not possess?
When I was 26 (almost 27), I had a child. Yes, I was unmarried. For years, I regretted this and saw the birth of my son under those circumstances as a mistake. Today, I am so grateful that I had my son when I did because if I were still waiting for a husband before having a child, I would be childless and almost past my child bearing years.
Because I am raising a young, black man I refuse to bring a man around my son who does not epitomize what I want and expect my son to be when he becomes a man. I will not have a man around my son who contradicts the values that I work so hard (every day) to instill in my son. He is 11.
I have abstained from sex and dating since 2005. If anyone had ever told me that I would ever go without sex for such a long period of time, I would have laughed so hard. Admittedly, abstaining is not the easiest thing to do. But, this has been the happiest and most peaceful time of my life. No drama, no disappointment, no lies.
I do not mean to imply that being involved with a man always includes lack of peace, lots of drama, lies and disappointment. Unfortunately, I have experienced 1 or all of those things in my past relationships.
I do not want to risk bringing someone into my sons life, only to have to try to get rid of that person after a short time. I don’t care how long it takes, I will wait for the RIGHT one. I feel in my heart that when I encounter that person, I will know it. Until then, I won’t waste my time or give my body to someone who is not worthy of me and my son’s time. We are both special people and I am willing to wait for that special ONE who will bring another dimension to our lives.
Don’t lower your standards. Be patient. Our future mates are out there. I just hope I meet mine before I’m in a wheelchair.
thismayconcernyou said:
I’ve technically had three girlfriends since my freshman year of high school. Plenty of casual situations, but three “girls.”
No, man or woman should ever jump into something serious before college. And even then you don’t really have a grasp on who you are or where your life is going.
So I commend you for keeping yourself from relationships doomed to end until you know you can take that ish on.
Until then, keep doing you, homey.
J. Dakar said:
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and for being the woman that you are. Your son is blessed to have someone like you.